A Wish

If I lay bare my soul tonight
And make a wish of my heart's desire
That from the brightest colours of my dreams
From the splendid world of my fantasies
May one of my million dreams come alive
And fill my heart with love and joy
Then it's my brightest morning star I choose
My darling, I hope you know it's you.
The only one of my million dreams
That warms my heart and sets my soul free
The glistening star of the night sky
Shining brighter than a thousand spotlights
The song my heart's dancing to
The melody my soul's humming is you
It's you for whom I pray everyday
Waiting for you to come my way.

Your Remains

I am standing in the middle of the ocean of agony. Every drop of the ocean pricks and burns me. Unconscious and bleeding, I am yelping in excruciating pain, but there’s no one to rescue me. You violated me in every possible way and left, but your remains stay still. Now, I burn myself every day to demolish your memories. I cry myself to sleep every day, hoping that my tears would melt away the weight of you. But my inner demons keep replaying your actions, your words, your fake promises and your lies. Oh, the horrendous nightmare that you were! Oh, how glad I am that you are over! But I still battle you each day, and every day, I am defeated because your remains wreck my soul, and you rot me to the core.

Victim’s Guilt

It has been more than two years since a pang of unknown guilt built its home inside my mind and heart. Dense clouds of sadness have covered me and I can’t seem to see the light. Life now appears to be absolutely worthless. When, how and where did this happen? I can not point to a moment in time when this feeling set in. Before I knew I was already in the middle. And now the shores are nowhere to be seen. It is as if I am lost somewhere in the middle of the ocean of gloom and misery. All I can see and hear is people screaming and crying at the top of their voices. And all that I can do nothing but be terrorised and stare at them, wondering why am I not one of them and screaming & crying along with them?

Little do I acknowledge that I am internally yelping and yelling in excruciating pain myself. Yes, I am dishevelled too, shattered into pieces, panting in vain and weeping tears of blood. I am mourning my own death, tormented by my own thoughts and emotions. As I am drowning in the ocean of anguish, suddenly, a riot erupts around me, and everyone is fighting to claim who has suffered the most. I am forced to wonder if I have suffered enough and if I deserve what I have. It is difficult to define what one deserves. And once you start questioning, layers after layers open and unveil more questions. I now suffocate in the smog of questions until I lose consciousness.

I think I am over, but I do not know that my subconscious has not given up on me yet. You see, I am not a survivor like I thought myself to be. I am a victim battling for a ray of hope. And all these people screaming and crying around me is no one else but millions of shattered pieces of me mourning my death. No matter how many light-years it takes, I must attend to each one’s despair and console these mourning people. I must console myself, and I must live. I must tell everyone that I am not over, not yet. That’s the only way out.

Broken Yet Useful

And like the broken glass, I can never be mended. Each of these pieces has a part of me, so distinct like they were never one. Now it is impossible to put together these jumbled bits because everything has stopped making sense. Yet they are precious, very precious because they are me, now existing on their own and doing what they do best – being themselves, broken yet useful.

Looking Back

Looking back at your journey to see how far you have come is never easy. You may think that you are finally at peace with your past when actually you are not. It may scratch your wounds even when you feel that time has healed them. You may feel like burying yourself alive for caring so much, for giving so much and for feeling all those emotions.

It is funny how much time we spend trying to rationalise our past even when we know that we did the most rational thing at that time. When things pan out very differently from what you believed, everything that you did appears ridiculous. It is unbearable indeed when people turn out to be gold-plated when you thought they were gold. The world you built around them comes crashing down, and you are left all alone to pick up your broken pieces.

Yes, it hurts like hell when you look back to relive your favourite moments, but nothing feels the same anymore because a stranger’s betrayal has bittered your memories. You almost kill yourself out of embarrassment for being so stupid and naive.

People say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what do you do of the bitterness that falling and losing time and again lands you in? How do you deal with the pain that strips off all your empathy and love? How do you overcome the fear that keeps you from being yourself again?

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I have so many questions, and I am searching for the answers in vain. Sometimes I think I see your signs just like a flicker of light in the dark. But I want more clear signs, impossible to ignore because I am a fool blinded by my pride and prejudices. I believe in you because I have seen my manifestations come true.

So, today I am giving up on my questions with a firm resolve to not come back. I will not seek answers anymore because I know the answers will come to me when the time is right. I have received answers from you earlier in unexpected ways. I will receive my answers this time as well.

Yours Truly

A Misfit